And Out Come the Claws

I have a distinct memory from several years ago that I feel speaks volumes on how I now feel about my gender and gender roles. I will never forget the moment a now ex-partner held my hand, gazed down at it and then up into my eyes, and said, "You don't really do your nails do you?"

Way to kill the mood. All jokes aside, this comment astounded me in terms of the implications for how feminine gender roles were supposed to dictate my behavior as a self-identifying woman. Did not doing my nails imply that I was not fully a woman that embraced such feminine commitments to my appearance? I questioned the immediate feeling of surprise, next mild self-loathing, then resentment. At first I wondered if maybe I was missing something. After some thought, I realized the masculine privilege and socialized expectations that manifested themselves in this statement. I don't have to do my nails to be a woman, and I can choose the effort I commit to my physical appearance. Nails don't make the woman, and a woman isn't defined by doing her nails.

Actually, for a long time I was uncomfortable with my hands. I actually was very insecure about my nails, which are weak, break easily, and don't grow out very well. I used to think my hands were too big, too masculine. And it was even more severe. I could barely wear shirts that were short-sleeved in middle school and some of high school because I couldn't bear how hairy my arms were. It sounds trivial, but my discomfort and insecurity with my body was great enough to influence how much of it I showed. It took years to finally overcome this and fully accept my body for what it was and is now.

Thus, this explains the arrival at my lasting reaction to this comment about my nails: disgust. I am proud of my acceptance of my body, and was completely put off by the dismissal of my growth and self-acceptance. Now I have learned to reflect on the influence of socialization and privilege that culminated themselves into this comment. I am glad I could point those elements out for what they are, and be proud of my accomplishments in acceptance of my physical self. I also learned something else: in this situation, I chose to not let vocalized expectations of my gender have a lasting effect on how I saw myself.

Now with it being 8th week and all, I imagine I'm not the only person on this campus who feels dangerously on the verge of burning out before finals even come around. In any case, I thought I'd include some fun goodies for you all as well. For any electro or house fans out there, I found this track a few days ago and just can't stop listening to it.

Also, a pretty solid track from an indie band called Dirty Gold. Hope this helps you get through the rest of the quarter and on to a great summer.

Much love to the community,
Neda